Can we still be a sensitive and available parent after going through painful experiences during our own childhood? This question can be a source of anxiety for many adults who wish to become parents but are worried about the possibility of transmitting to their children the wounds of their own childhood. This article explores how parents who have gone through difficult childhood experiences can navigate their role as parents, and despite those challenges, offer their children a secure and caring environment.
How childhood interpersonal trauma influences parenthood
Childhood interpersonal trauma (CIT) refers to difficult or threatening experiences during childhood that can negatively impact the well-being and development of a child1. These experiences generally occur within close relationships, usually with parents or family members. CIT include experiences of abuse, neglect, violence, or exposure to violence and can have lasting effects2. For instance, they can influence the way a person perceives or interacts within a relationship, regulates their emotions and makes sense of other peoples’ behaviours1. Once someone with CIT becomes a parent, those experiences can also influence their way of living parenthood and how they interact with their child3. In fact, certain studies show that children of parents who experienced CIT show more behavioural difficulties (e.g. frequent angry outbursts, aggression, significant worries, or a sad mood)4.
However, the negative effects of CIT are not inevitably transmitted from one generation to another5. Many parents who experienced CIT strive to provide their children with a different parenting experience from the one they received and develop a heightened sensitivity to their children’s needs6. To better understand how some parents break the intergenerational cycle whereas others face greater challenges, researchers have shown growing interest in parental mentalization. This ability could constitute an important mechanism to better understand how parents CIT influence the development of their child.
Mentalization: seeing beyond the behaviour
Parental mentalization7 refers to a parent’s ability to understand their own behaviour, as well as their child's, in terms of the underlying emotions, intentions, or needs. In practice, it encourages parents to ask themselves questions such as:
- “What is my child feeling right now?”
- “What might my child be trying to communicate through this behaviour?”
Mentalization is an ability that helps recognize the internal states underlying behaviours, such as fatigue, frustration, fear, anxiety, or even a need for reassurance7. For instance, a parent who has a good ability to mentalize might be able to understand that their child's angry outburst reflects that they’re emotionally exhausted and that they need comfort. However, for some parents who experienced CIT, it can be much more difficult to draw on this ability8. The parent might be more likely to interpret the same behaviour as manipulation, provocation, or disrespect8. Therefore, the way parents mentalize the thoughts, emotions, and needs underlying their child’s behaviour influences how they respond to it.
What the research shows
Our team from the Project on Parental Couples conducted a study involving 603 pairs of parents with young children to better understand the role of parental mentalization in the relationship between parents' CIT and behavioural difficulties observed in their children at approximately three and a half years of age.
The results show that parents who experienced CIT report greater difficulties with mentalization. In turn, a reduced ability to understand their child’s mental states is associated with more behavioural difficulties in the child. The following fictional example illustrates how these findings may play out in the parent-child relationship:
| Marc (46 years old) experienced emotional neglect and was frequently criticized by his parents. Now a father, he notices that when his son Thomas (5 years old) has an anger outburst, he has a hard time understanding what his child is feeling. He perceives Thomas’ behaviour as an act of provocation and trying to disrespect his father’s authority, rather than a sign of frustration or distress. His interpretation heightens his own feelings of irritability and impatience and makes him less open to his son’s perspective, which can lead to more conflictual interactions between them. This leads to Thomas receiving less help in understanding, naming and regulating his emotions. Gradually, these interactions can become more strained and be associated to more outbursts, opposition and other behavioural difficulties from Thomas. |
In other words, it is not only the CIT that explain the difficulties seen in the child. The way parents understand and give sense to emotions, needs and behaviours within the parent-child relationship seems to also play an important role. This opens doors to a different but interesting perspective: supporting parental mentalization could help promote child development.
Towards more sensitive parent-child relationships
Mentalization is not a fixed ability. It can be developpe through relational experiences and psychological interventions9. An increasing body of research shows that interventions targeting improving parental mentalization contributes to reducing intergenerational transmission of difficulties related to CIT and supports secure parent-child relationships.
Simple strategies that can be practice daily exist to help parents’ developpe their ability to mentalize. For example, parents can developpe their ability to mentalize by taking time at the end of their day to write in a journal about a significant interaction between their child and them. They can start by writing about the situation from their own perspective and then try to revisit it from their child’s point of view.
- “What could they have felt at that moment?”
- “What could they have wanted to communicate through their behaviour?”
- “What might have been their intentions or their needs?”
Then, parents can also reflect on their own thoughts and emotions, their intensity, as well as the influence that they might have had on their behaviour. Finally, they can ask themselves if there was another way of interpreting or reacting to the situation. Done regularly, this exercise could promote a better understanding of each person’s mental states, foster empathy, and help parents respond in more sensitive, thoughtful, and attuned ways to their child’s needs.
However, if this exercise remains difficult or causes significant distress, consulting a mental health professional can be an important step to support the development of parental mentalization as well as a healthy parent-child relationship.
General resources for parents
Info-Social or Info-Santé: 24/7
Info-Santé (option 1) or Info-Social (option 2) 811 is a free and confidential telephone consultation service. If necessary, the counselors can refer you to an appropriate resource in the health and social services network or to a community resource.
Monday to Friday, from 8am to 5pm
A free, anonymous professional consultation service on parenting and parent-child relationships.
Telephone service 514 525-2573
Toll free (region) 1 866 329-4223
Organization offering professional legal services and advice, a community resource bank, information sessions and a crisis line for people experiencing family problems.
Montreal 514 593-4303
Toll free (region) 1 800 361-8453
Institut National de la Santé Publique du Québec:
Lists with links to associations, organizations and support groups in Quebec that can help parents (Quebec food banks, early childhood resources, support during a perinatal bereavement, etc.).
Educational Resources
Becoming a parent – Government of Quebec:
A guide providing an overview of government programs and services available to new or expecting parents.
The baby - Government of Quebec (INSPQ):
A guide that includes information on the different characteristics of the newborn, ways to communicate, sleep and child development.
Canadian Paediatric Society – Caring for Kids:
Site offering information from Canadian pediatricians on the health and well-being of children and adolescents
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Luyten, P., Nijssens, L., Fonagy, P., & Mayes, L. C. (2017). Parental reflective functioning: Theory, research, and clinical applications. The Psychoanalytic Study of the Child, 70(1), 174‑199. https://doi.org/10.1080/00797308.2016.1277901
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Byrne, G., Sleed, M., Midgley, N., Fearon, P., Mein, C., Bateman, A., & Fonagy, P. (2019). Lighthouse Parenting Programme: Description and pilot evaluation of mentalization-based treatment to address child maltreatment. Clinical Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 24(4), 680–693. https://doi.org/10.1177/1359104518807741
